Chocolate With Nuts: A WAY different version
by I'm Black and Proud
Summary: Instead of chcolate, it's Kanye West CD's. This will be REALLY funny. Totally random. R&R! Flames welcome.
1. Let's sell stuff!

**Once again, I was bored, and this is RANDOM. Also, REMEMBER half of the plot is taken from the episode, Chocolate With Nuts. Instead of Chocolate bars, it's Kanye West CD's. Enjoy!**

**PS: Squidward is a pimp in here.**

SpongeBob is sitting in the mailbox waiting for an actor to come. He is talking to himself while doing this.

SB- Damn, when the fuck was MTV Cribs supposed to be on? It was on at 11:00 last night.

The mailman appears, opens the box, and SpongeBob pops out.

SB- ARE YOU ON MTV CRIBS???!!!!! (SB's been doing this for a while)

Mailman- OH, SHIT!! NO!!!!!!

Mailman runs away while SB climbs out of the mailbox.

SB- Ass...HOLE!!!!

Patrick arrives.

Patrick- Hey, SpongeBob, can I borrow your lawnmower? I need to lose my virginity.

SB- Yeah, whatever, let's see what I got. Bills, bills, bills, bills, bills, bills, bi--Oooohhh... I don't remember subscribing to "Fancy Living Digest"

SB opens the mag.

SB and Patrick- Wooooooooooowwww!

SB- Patrick, look at this pool. It's HUGE. It's as big as your mom's ass.

Patrick- Shut the fuck up, SpongeBob. Hey, look! I totally fucked your mom in those shoes.

Squidward quickly snatches the mag.

Squidward- What the fuck you think you're doin'? This is MY mail. You bitches get yo hands off of this, or I'll beat da shit out of you.

SB- Bitch, please. I got a PHD in Kickboxing, motherfucker.

Squidward- Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know they gave out PHD's in Retard School.

SB- Retard School? What the fuck...?

Squidward- Look, just don't touch my mail, or I'll stab you in the head. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go home and watch Soul Plane.

He walks away.

SB- You know, that Squidward is the biggest pain in my ass.

Patrick- I bet that's a tight fit.

SB- Now, let's see, what can I do to get money?

Patrick- Let's sell stuff.

SB- Wow! Patrick, for once in that homosexual body of yours, you got a good idea. I'm not gay, though. Blech!

Bubbles float up to next scene, as SB and Patrick come out of the Barg 'N-Mart, carrying lots of CD's.

SB- Oh, yeah. This is great. Selling Kanye West CD's. This'll be good. After we get the money, we'll be able to buy our own T.G.I. Friday's!

Patrick- Yes!

SB and Patrick come to the first house and knock on the door. The door opens with a fish wearing a shirt that says "Hi My Name Is Tom".

SB- Hello...Tom. Would you like to buy some Kanye West CD's? He believes in Jesus.

Tom- Jesus? Did you say Jesus? Christ?

Patrick- Yes sir! You want the CD with peanuts, or not?

Tom- Jesus? JESUS? JEEESUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSS!!!!!!!! JESUS CHRIST!!!!!

SB and Patrick back up and run as Tom chases them.

Tom- JESUUUUUUSSS!!!

Bubbles...(next scene) SB and Patrick are at the next door, ringing the doorbell.

SB- You see, Patrick, THAT is why you don't trust people over the age of 30.

Patrick- So, THAT'S why those kids are scared of me when I'm in an ice cream truck.

The door opens.

Fish- Hello. Can I help you?

SB- Hello, sir. Do you want to buy a Kanye West CD?

Fish- Sure I would!

SB- Great! Will that be cash or charge?

Fish- Hmmmm... Maybe something like toilet paper...

PPPHHHHT!!!!!!

Patrick- Ooops! I shit my pants.

Fish- Yeah, I don't take something from a guy who shits his pants. You should try... these SHIT BAGS!!!! You can put shit in it.

SB- Wow. How much is it?

Fish- Well, since you're desperate they're free!

SB- Sweet!

SB and Patrick take the bags, put the CD's in there, and head next door. They knock, and out pops the same fish.

Fish- Hello!

SB- What the--? Hey, aren't you the guy from that house back there?

Fish- Uuuhhhh...Well... I-- Hey, why don't you try these SHIT BAG HOLDERS?!

SB- Okay, how much?

Bubbles (next scene) SB and Patrick go to the next house.

SB- Okay, here's the REAL customer.

Woman fish- Well, what can I do for you boys.

SB- Hello, lady. Would you like to buy a Kanye West CD?

Woman fish- Well, that sounds lovely.

SB- Okay! One CD coming up!

SB gets the "shit bag holder", pulls out the "shit bag" and then out comes another bag. This happens over and over.

Woman fish- I don't have time for this.

Woman fish closes the door.

SB- Aaaaaaaaaaannnnnndddd... GOT IT!! One CD for the nice la...dy. Oh crap!

SB and Patrick make a run for it.

Tom- JESUS!!!! RUN AWAY!!!! JESUS!!!!!!!!


	2. This is not going good

At the diner...

SB- I don't believe this bitch. I ask for a decaf, and she gives me a fucking espresso. What the fuck is with that?

Patrick- I got an idea, let's beat her ass!

SB- Patrick, I don't want to go to jail and get raped and be somebody's bitch, but I'm sure you do. Goddammit, we gotta find a way to sell these Kanye West CD's! I know. Let's buy something! How about a--

Patrick- GUN!!!!

He runs out quickly.

SpongeBob- NO, PATRICK, WAIT!!!

Patrick stops.

SB- Why guns? Guns lead to violence, violence leads to jail, and jail leads to raping.

Bubbles (next scene)

So remember, Patrick: No guns, no raping.

Knock on door.

Fish- Hello?

Patrick- I WANNA RAPE YOU.

The fish slams the door.

SB- Yeah, you blew it at "raping", right there. Let me try.

Knock.

Fish- Hello? No rape please.

SB- Hey. Ahem. We're not gonna rape you.

Fish- Okay.

SB- You wanna buy a Kanye West CD?

Fish- Sorry. I can't. Kanye West makes me turn fat. REALLY fat. Here's a picture of me at 18. As you can see, me and Kanye no longer hang. You can keep that for twelve bucks.

Patrick- I'll take eleventeen!

Bubbles...(next scene)

SB- Patrick, "eleventeen" is not even a number. How fucking stupid are you?

Patrick- Uuuhhh... What?

Next door; Knock

Fish- Hello?

SB- Hello, sir. Would you like to buy a Kanye West CD?

Patrick then stretches out his eyes and stares at the customer.

Fish- Why is Fatty McFatFat staring at me?

Patrick- Looking...looking...looking...

Eyes follow go into the fish's house as the fish backs up.

Fish- Get away!

Slams door between eyes; eyes look around.

Patrick- Nice crib.

Bubbles...

SB- God, Patrick, you always make me wanna kill myself.

Patrick- Yeah, well, always happy to help, buddy.

SB- Dammit, we need to sell these damn CD's! I mean look at that billboard. "Barnacle Chips". "They're delicious". Hell no, they're not delicious!!!

Patrick- Not the way I use them!

SB- Wait... Delicious...not deliciou-- That's it!!! False advertising.

Patrick- But what are we gonna make up?

SB- Let's just say random shit, and then they'll totally buy it-- Oh, shit. Run away.

Tom- JESUS!!!!!

Bubbles...

SB- Okay, I'm gonna say a random word...or 2, or 3, or 8... And he or she's gonna want to buy the CD! Got it?

Patrick- Got it!

Doorbell; door opens

Old lady fish- Hello?

SB- Aaaaaaannnnnuuusss. (Wink at Patrick) Bruce Almighty... Kane... Undertaker...

Old lady fish- MOM!!!

A VERY OLD lady fish comes out in a wheelchair. She is nothing but a spine and skull.

VERY OLD lady fish- WHAT NOW??!!

SB- Oh...my...God.

VERY OLD lady fish- I was watching John Cena and the Undertaker fight in a Cage Match until you two fucktards came here.

SB- Is that even a fish?

Patrick- Looks like me after Nuclear Hot Buffalo Wing Night.

VOLF- What do these two idiots want.

Old lady fish- They're selling Kanye West CD's.

VOLF- What?

OLF- KANYE WEST!!!

VOLF- Speak up, dammit!

OLF- KANYE WEEEEEEEEEEEST!!!!!!!!!!

VOLF- Kanye West?

OLF- YEAH!!!

VOLF- Kanye West. I used to love him... UNTIL HE SAID HE WANTS OLD WOMEN TO WIPE HIS SHIT OFF HIS ASS!!!

SB- Oh, but, this is the BLACK Kanye West, not George W. Bush. This--

Patrick- If you buy this, you will hear better!

OLF- No...No...NO!

VOLF- Hear better, huh? Well I could do that!

OLF hands SB the money as he hands her the CD.

VOLF- MARY, COME ON, YOU LAZY SKANK!!! PUT THE CD IN THE BOOM BOX!!!

OLF- (to SB and Patrick) I...hate...you. (slams door)

SB- It worked, Patrick! All we need to do is say random stuff! People will fall for it!

Patrick- Only the Candyman can do that. WE _ARE_ THE CANDYMAN!!!

Bubbles... to SB and Patrick saying random stuff to people in a scene-by-scene flashback.

* * *

SB- Fuddruckers.

Bald fish- Sweet, I ate there last night.

SB- Pamela Andreson!

Hillbilly fish- That's my sister!!

Patrick- I...like...to...have...sex...with...uuuuuhhh...MEN.

Starfish that looks like Patrick (with a shirt on)- You do too?

"FLOWERS!!"

"HIPPIES!!!!"

"RAINBOWS!!!"

"SEE NO EVIL!!!!"

"KANE!!!"

"YOU CAN'T SEE ME!!!!"

"JIMMY NEUTRON SUCKS!!!!!!"

* * *

Bubbles...; Ringing doorbell. SB and Patrick are dressing like they're injured.

SB- This'll be great!

Patrick- This guy is gonna get owned!

SB- I got it. When he comes, let's say, "Morgan Freeman"

Door opens; dark room; only eyes are shown.

Fish- Hello?

SB- Hello, sir. MOOORGAAN FREEEEEEEMAAAAAN!!!!!!

Fish comes out of door. He is revealed to be seriously injured. A bandage is all over his body with a monitor plugged to his breath mask. He can only walk on one leg.

Injured Fish- Oh, I love Morgan Freeman. Isn't he on Snakes On A Plane?

SB- No...that's...Samuel L...Jackson, sir. (he shocked at this point when he saw the injured fish)

Inj. Fish- Oh, yeah. Samuel L. Jackson. You know he says that one line, "I'm tired of these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane". You know what I'm tired of? I'm tired of these motherfuckin' actors pretending to be motherfuckin... You know...dead. And you kno-- Oh, no. NO!! (falls down stairs) Every waking day is like commiting suicide.

SB and Patrick carry him up to the house.

SB- Now, Patrick, be careful. DON'T dro-- (Patrick drops the fish)

Inj. Fish- OW! You fucking retard.

SB- Sir, we are VERY sorry. Is there anything we can do for you?

Inj. Fish- Actually, there is. You see, I'm a big fan of Kanye West, and I'm trying to sell his CD's so I can have the money for my heart operation. If you could sell them for me, I'd be really happy.

Bubbles...; SB and Patrick are carrying the heavy boxes as the inj. fish is looking at them out the window.

Inj. Fish- Such nice boys. I love them. It's too easy to crack up a pair of idiots like those two!

Pulls of the whole "bandage" revealing the fish that sold them the "Shit Bags". He cackles as he counts the money. Then, cutaway to SB and Patrick.

SB- Oh, man, Patrick. These boxes are heavy as FUCK!!! But it's going to have to be for the bes-- (falls as the box goes on the top of his face-- you know what I mean) You know what? That's it. I--I quit. I don't wanna do this anymore.

Patrick- I can deal with that. (Throws box on top of SB's box)

SB- Wait, Patrick, what are you doing? Don't sit on me--(you guessed it) OW!!! You..fucking...asshole! Goddammit!

Then, someone appears. You guessed it... Tom.

Tom- JESUUUUUUUSS!!!!!! (He screamed so hard, it blew away SB, Patrick, and the boxes)

SB- NO!! NO!! PLEASE DON'T!!!!

Patrick- I DON'T WANNA DIE!!!!

Tom- HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!!!!! FINALLY!!! I've been trying to catch you boys ALL day! NOW THAT I'VE GOT YOU RIGHT WHERE I WANT YOU... I love Kanye and Jesus. I wanna buy all the CD's. (Holds up a HUGE pile of cash)

SB- What?

Patrick shits out a Hershey Kiss, then he and SB both melt into a puddle of disbilef.

SB- Mentoes...they're the freshmaker...motherfucker.

Bubbles...; Patrick is pushing a wheelbarrow of cash with SB in it.

SB- WE'RE RICH, BITCH!!!!

Patrick- We living the fancy life, yet?

SB- Not yet. First, we've got to spend all this money.

Patrick- But what are we gonna spend it on?

SB- Hmmmm... What would Optimus Prime do if he had a lot of money?

* * *

"I'd Kill The Bitch!!!"

* * *

SB- Hmmmm... I got it!

Bubbles...; At the resturant, "Fancy!"... Squidward is walking towards the-- The... Uuhh... The guy that makes reservations.

Squidward- Yo, Pierre! What's up? Where's my Coke table? Where my bitches and hoes at?

Pierre- I'm sorry, sir, but your Coke table is alredy in use.

Squidward- But--But Coke tables are only supposed to be for pimps! Who else is a motherfuckin' pimp of Bikini Bottom past me? I'm SQUIDWARD!!! Did Lindsay set you up? She's the most annoying bitch I've had.

Pierre- Oh, no one set me up. There are two people. And their names are SpongeBob and Patrick.

SpongeBob and Patrick sit at the table with the two old lady fish from earlier.

SB- So... You wanna take our shirts off and kiss?

VOLF- What? Did he say snatch our purse and suck a dick?

SB- This will be a looooonnng night.

**Well, that's it! Good story, right? REVIEW OR FLAME. **

**_PS: I apologize to anyone on FanFiction who is gay or bisexual that found parts of the story offending._**

**Also, about the "Black Kanye West" joke, I'm _NOT_ racist. I'm black myself.**


End file.
